Human Days

I remember what it felt like to have “bad” days.

It’s not that I don’t have them anymore, but something in my mind is different:

I guess I have finally accepted the fact that I’m human.

I remember what it felt like, just trying to get by. Pressing on throughout the day, trying to keep busy to distract myself from looking down with disgust or disappointment. Feeling sluggish, bloated, discouraged and disillusioned. Punishing myself with double extra-long workouts, or restricting food until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Yes, there were indeed “bad” days. Poor body image days, hopeless days, weak days, and frustrating days. Anxious days, angry days, and annoying days. Regretful days, resentful days, and rebellious days.

But there were also good days. Motivating days, exciting days, strengthening days and empowering days. Thankful days, thoughtful days, and transforming days. Victorious days, vocational days, and vibrant days. Each and every day soon became my choice.

I could choose recovery, or I could choose relapse. Yes, sometimes the eating disorder seemed more powerful than my will. Sometimes it won over my voice of reason. But there was always an opportunity for a second chance. There was always that short moment of free will. A moment with a fate that spoke the difference between slavery and freedom; isolation and community; pressure and peace.

I know what it feels like to dislike yourself. But what I have realized over the years while in healthy eating disorder recovery is that when I may not have liked myself on the outside, I still secretly loved myself on the inside. While at my lowest, yes, there were times when I couldn’t recognize my own thoughts anymore. In those days I was incapable of making rational decisions on my own. There were times when I pondered the true meaning of life, because I could’t truly feel it.

But after years of slowly getting better, I began to feel again. I began to laugh again and love again. I even began to love myself again. I may not have been happy with how my body looked every day, but I was in love with the person I was becoming. I knew I wasn’t done becoming her yet. So I pledged to keep on going.

I now recognize that this girl will never be done growing. I know I may not ever have everything figured out. But the self-knowledge and self-contentment that I have acquired by allowing myself to heal makes all of that okay. I guess I have acknowledged that we all make mistakes. I guess I have finally realized that no one is perfect. I guess I’ve learned that life is not meant to be wasted while wishing the day away. I guess I have accepted the fact that I’m only human.

Each and every day is a gift from above. There is no room for shame.

human

 

 

Holistic Guinea Pig

Every once in a while, I enroll myself in little health-related “experiments.” Being a personal trainer and overall avid health-seeker, I find it beneficially necessary to try out different lifestyle changes, trends, or intriguing fitness claims (after doing extensive research of course,) from time to time. This hands-on approach enables me to be able to draw from personal accounts so that I can deliver quality support to other people I come in contact with, and to genuinely “practice what I preach.” Recently, I have intentionally been extending an extra effort to listen to my body, fuel it holistically, and rejuevenate my suspected burned-out athletically-driven system. I’ve realized that I feel most at peace when I make an attempt to really slow the pace down… relaxing around food, not feeling the pressure to workout or perform, and really becoming in tune with my body’s feelings, tendencies, and reactions to various environments and stressors.

This whole past year has been a little self-experiment, quite frankly. I used to be pretty content with my physical outward state and exercise routine, but my complacency was subconsciously eating me up inside. Of course I didn’t realize it at the time, as I continued to push my body past its limits. Funny how we don’t realize how deep we were actually sinking until we reach a certain viewpoint above the pit.

I used to feel sluggish thought out the day, legs heavy and brain foggy (unless I was drinking coffee.) I used to fast the majority of the day, and was used to consuming literally all of my calories between the window of 2-9pm. Currently, my dinners still remain my largest (and most nutritious) meal, and I still have an after-dinner snack that is usually just as calorically dense as the previous meal. But I also now feed my body throughout the day, consistently and willingly. Of course I have certain staples that I turn to, but also pay attention to what my body craves, and fulfill its requests. With this improvement came a proactive attempt in rebooting my entire digestive system, by introducing natural supplements like probiotics digestive enzymes, both of which have helped tremendously in my overall gut health. It really is fascinating just how all the internal systems are connected. I learned pretty quickly that the saying “If your gut ain’t happy, you ain’t happy”, is oh so accurate.

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